It’s a no-brainer

Posted on February 13, 2011 by

I’m dead, but I don’t know it.
— Randy Newman
—

As longtime readers know all too well, I am smitten with the messageboard at letsrun.com. The posters there are fast, smart and snarky, three traits I admire greatly.

Today, amid threads such as “How much can mileage affect racing?,” “long run on treadmill — same as long run outside?” and “why become a sprinter and what motivates you?,” there’s this:

“The reason zombies run slow.”

Wow! Why haven’t I ever wondered this? And what’s the answer?

Posters have a lot of terrific theories.

• The reason zombies run slow is due to their poor biomechanics, they have horrible and more often than not they don’t have much knee lift and have about a 5 inch stride.

• The don’t have any articular cartilage, so their joints are bone-on-bone.

• I thought it was because of  their diet too many brains and not enough ugali (staple of kenyan runners).

• The real reason zombies are slow is due to their muscles and bones beginning to decay, or already broken down.  A recently dead zombie will be faster than a zombie that has been dead for a long time since his muscles will function better. That folks is the real reason zombies are slow.

• We shouldn’t rule out a neurological cause as well. Even with well preserved musculature, a zombie with a damaged or disrupted central nervous system will have extremely impaired motor functioning. The fact that their muscles are strong enough to keep them upright and standing might be evidence to support this, and it would offer an explanation as to why they seek BRAAAAAIINSSSSS to eat – on some level they’re aware that their own brains are damaged and malfunctioning, but they’re malfunctioning so badly that they think that by eating the brains of another human they can absorb its power.

• It is the barefoot running that makes zombies slow.

These are all excellent theories. But what really struck me was that I seem to possess most of these traits. I’m slow. I’m decaying. I have no brain. I have been struggling forever trying to figure out why I keep slowing down. This could explain it. I’m a zombie.

But is that so bad? We’ve got our own cool running site. The zombie shuffle is a staple of ultrarunning. And “you run pretty well for a dead guy” is a much better compliment than anything I’ve gotten in years.

So I’m dead. This cannot bode well for competitors in the GADZOOKS Muskrat Marathon.  You can’t beat a dead guy. And luckily this contest doesn’t require brains …

—

my pal SeniorRunner turned the discussion into an art form that you just don’t see enough these days, zombie haiku. It is as follows:

ZOMBIE RUNNING HAIKU

I run somewhat slowly
Due to rigor mortis.
And the severed foot.

—

today’s run

  • 3 miles — 38:53 (13:01) track noon 67 degrees
  • 12:59, 12:59, 12:57
  • Piranha-meter — 850 miles

About ilikemargarine

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5 Responses to It’s a no-brainer

  1. SeniorRunner says:
    February 13, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Dead, eh? This revelation indeed has grave implications. To get rid of that horrible stench, Mo will have to bury more than just the Piranhas!

  2. tosuperstar says:
    February 13, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    I resemble that!

  3. Madiantin says:
    February 13, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    You cannot be a zombie. You are far too gifted with words. All zombies say is “Brrraaaaiiinnns”. Ergo, you cannot be dead and are therefore defeatable.

  4. ERG / Small Town Runner / whoever the heck I am now says:
    February 13, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    I see I don’t have to read letsrun today :) – I am multi- tasking.

    Only three miles? Are you OK? Are the shoes OK? More Ugali. (and Kenyan tea with lots of milk and sugar) That is the key to speed. I can’t find the Ugali anywhere, though.

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