Although Mr. Pants finds himself in a state that could generously be referred to as “running,” he is an expert at doing otherwise. A recent reply to a blogger raised interest in his controversial training philosophy. We tackle the basics.
Q. Please explain the No-Run Program© if you will, Mr. Pants.
A. That’s not really a question, is it? More like a pushy demand. Kids. But in a nutshell, the philosophy is that when you are injured you should approach your not running just as aggressively as when you are running. By avoiding not running at random, but instead following a carefully regimented plan, you can find yourself at the start line on race day not ready to run your best marathon ever.
Q. What are the basics of this program?
A. That was an excellently formed question, thank you. Basically it’s the Pfitzinger 70 mile per week plan, except wherever he says “run” you convert to “no run.” The McMillan Non-Running Calculator can help with this task if you are mentally challenged from too many intervals. So for example, in Week 1 on Tuesday, where he says to run 10 miles lactate threshold w/ 4 miles at 15K to HM pace, you should NOT run run 10 miles lactate threshold w/ 4 miles at 15K to HM pace. Similarly, you don’t run a 19 mile long run that week. And so on.
Q. Why follow a formal plan? Why not just not run?
A. Not running is harder than you might think. Following a non-running plan allows you to keep in the routine of marathon training, doing everything in the plan except actually running. Keep a non-running log, do non-warmups and cooldowns, don’t run as many striders as you like. But don’t stretch. There’s enough suffering in the world without watching people stretch. Thank you.
Q. Why Pfitzinger over Jack Daniels’ Running Formula?
A. Say “Pfitzinger”. Now say “Daniels”. When your annoying running friends ask you how your non-running is going, you can reply that you’re following the Pffffffffffffffitzinger non-running plan. Stand really close and say it after a large drink of Gatorade or similarly sticky drink. Just not the same with the Daniels plan.
Q. What about not running multiple marathons in a short time period? Will this plan still work?
A. Yes, but if it’s less than eight weeks between races do NOT eat sushi. This has nothing to do with training, Mr. Pants just does not care for sushi.
Q. Can I not run two-a-days?
A. Only the more experienced non-runner is advised to not run two-a-days. If you must, approach it much like you would approach a rabid dog. This has nothing to do with training. Mr. Pants just does not care for rabid dogs.
Q. What about ultras? Can I not train for an ultra using this same plan?
A. Certainly. Just add “don’t sleep” to “don’t run.”
Q. This isn’t exactly a non-running question, but still. I’m beginning a training program for Easter, at which time I will be running a substantial distance while carrying a rather large crucifix. Any workout tips?
A. Two words: cross training.
Do you have questions about gardening or what color shoes best match your Garmin? Mr. Pants is here for you.