The facts as we know them:
1. Mohawk Boy embarks on a mission to avenge the loss of the Day-Glo Orange Lightweight Racing Soup Ladle (anything else is just a big spoon) Ninja Model©, which is believed to have been intercepted by the Evil Kim Jong Il as it went from a base in Germany to the home of the Mythical Pochero in South Freakin’ Korea.
2. The Evil Kim is shrouded in secrecy, but Mohawk Boy has this bit of information gathered from CBS News (I’m not making this up. It was on the Internet and thus cannot be questioned): German media reported in 2007 that Kim hoped to solve the famine in his country by breeding giant rabbits. An east German farmer who bred rabbits the size of dogs was apparently asked by North Korea to help set up a big bunny farm to alleviate food shortages. To get things going, he sent a batch of 12 giant rabbits to North Korea, but was shocked to hear they were eaten at Kim’s birthday banquet that year.
3. Mohawk Boy realizes that posing as a bunny farmer could be the way to get close enough to The Evil Kim to carry out revenge. A long period of silence follows. Mohawk Boy is not heard from.
4. The Evil Kim Jong Il dies. No particular cause of death is listed, but nowhere in the obituary does it say, “A bunny attack has been ruled out as the cause of his demise.” After all, if you’re trying to paint a heroic portrait of your fallen leader, this would not be the image you would want to leave the masses with. Unless possibly China is big on “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” It’s only a bunny.
5. The U.S. government neither confirms nor denies the involvement of an undercover Army soldier and his faithful attack bunny in the North Korean leader’s demise. Seriously. I checked.
6. We are left to draw our own conclusions.
7. And then a photo surfaces.
Mohawk Boy, posing with what appears to be a giant attack bunny/goat hybrid. Next time you clamor for cuts in defense spending, remember where our money is going. Well spent.
Thank you, Mohawk Boy. For avenging the ladle, for making the world a little safer, and for providing with us for tasty banquet bunnies. Stay safe.