I’m using Google Maps to figure out how to get from here to there. Wherever there is. I’m not even sure where here is. But that’s not really the point.

If you’ve ever used Google Maps, you know it’s sorta like playing Wheel of Fortune, but without Vanna White pretending she’s not old. As soon as you type in the first letter or number, it starts trying to guess the address for you.

I’m entering an address in our city. I enter the number 3. Google Maps is intrigued. 3rd Avenue NY? 3rd Street San Francisco? 3rd Avenue, Seattle? Its mind races with the possibilities.

Um, no. I continue. 31.

31st Avenue New York? 31st Street Chicago? 31st Street San Diego? Google sees all of these as excellent choices. Alas.

I’m now up to 310. 3100 Dundee, Northbrook IL. 310 Lounge, Bowery, Manhattan NY. 310th National Road, Luoyang, Henan, China. Google is smitten with my worldliness.

3102 brings KwaZulu-atal, South Africa and 31020 Refrontolo, Italy. Maybe I could stop by and see the Moose.

As I type in more and more of my address, it gets more and more desperate. Sheppard Avenue in Toronto. Sunset Boulevard in L.A. Sampsonia Way in Pittsburgh. Sacramento Street in San Francisco. Santana Row in San Jose.

Finally, the embarrassing truth is revealed. A nondescript location in a small city on the edge of Texas. Google clearly is not impressed.

There’s only one solution.

Under driving directions, when it asks for my destination, I enter 310 National Road, Luoyang, China.

Google Maps is pretty damn excited. It suggests I take I-84 W. 11,087 miles. It estimates the drive will take me 37 days and 20 hours (although I likely will need a bathroom break at some point.) It alerts me that this route has tolls and includes a ferry. Duh. I am Google Map’s new hero.

I had set out to find directions to Gruene, TX. Mo just asked if that seems like too much work to go there.

She has no idea …