Lance has admitted he doped. Well, mostly he admitted he wants to race triathlons to make some cash, and admitted to Floyd that he wants him to drop his whistleblower suit. But still. You know what that means: Mr. Pants’ Early Morning Running Q&A!!!
Q. Hey, Daddy-O. I gots this problem. I have to work crazy early hours this week. Noon to 9 p.m.!!! My problem is this. When am I supposed to run? Obviously, running before noon is a physical impossibility. But running after 9 puts me in danger of missing out at the bar. What to do? What to do?
A. Don’t call me Daddy-O. This indeed is a dilemma, bordering on a quandary. Mr. Pants has read clinical research in which lab rats were forced to run before noon, but they all eventually died. Similarly, the rats were forced to go without alcohol for long periods and suffered a similar fate. Mr. Pants would advise you never to become a lab rat.
Q. Umm, you’re not helping here. Should I try to get up earlier? My alarm clock has a setting called “speet,” but I’ve never actually tried it. Noon is my normal time for running, and before noon is my normal time for watching “The Young and the Senseless.” It would seem to go against the forces of nature to trifle with this.
A. Mr. Pants has read that if you are forced to use an alarm clock to wake up, you’re too damn close. Or maybe that was on the bumper sticker of a Volvo on the way home from the bar. Mr. Pants is a little blurry.
Q. If I wait until after work, I’m going to be really tired. Noon to 9 p.m. means a day of reading Dear Abby, bridge columns and heartfelt columns on “How to Turn Your Life Around Now That You’ve Lied and Cheated Your Entire Life And Want To Avoid a $300 Million Whistleblower Lawsuit.” My body is pretty much used to coming home and going to sleep immediately. Any realistic hope for a late run?
A. Certainly. And Ryan Hall still has a shot a gold.
Q. Hey. Maybe I could run during my dinner break.
A. hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhaahha. That’s a good one. Copy editors getting a dinner break! Mr. Pants is amused.
Q. Seriously, dude. What to do? I gotta run. When?
A. Mr. Pants says shoot for after 9. Partake in the Newsroom Industrial Strength Coffee shortly before leaving. Buy a Hershey bar on the way home. Go to the gym. Tell yourself, “That which does not kill me will kill a lab rat instead.” Run.
Q. I’m never really going to do this am I?
A. Nah. Have a nice week off.
Do you have a question about running, lab rat treadmills or Lance Armstrong’s sudden willingness to testify against the world body (boy, I bet THOSE guys are squirming)? Mr. Pants is here for you.