Longtime readers will recall that I ordered shoes from Joe’s New Balance Outlet and Crab Shack. They were just 50 bucks, and I’m a bit of a crab myself, so I can relate. What could possibly go wrong, right? They’re just shoes.
Ominous sign: The box says:” If tape is broken, examine contents in presence of carrier’s representative.” The tape was broken, but the guy had left the package on my doorstep. A Bad Omen.
But no big deal, no? So I opened the box.
AND THEY GAVE ME TO FRIGGIN’ LEFT SHOES!!!!!!! How is that even possible? Is that the way the kids in China are wearing them these days? At least I still had two more chances.
The second pair: TWO RIGHT SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable. I was starting to sense why Joe is able to sell these shoes at such a discounted price.
But three’s a charm, yah? So I opened them, and THEY’RE GOING TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!!!!!!!! If I wear these shoes, I am doomed to run in place! (hey, these could be the perfect treadmill shoes.)
So now I’m stuck with six unmatched shoes. And Joe didn’t even throw in a complimentary crab. And you know how I love to get compliments from crustaceans. What to do?
And then it struck me. The shoes. The Texas stool. I took my lemons and produced lemonade performance art. I call it “Border Security.” Sorry, not for sale.
p.s. I must admit I wasn’t sure I needed to replace the shoes until the new ones arrived and I realized the shoes used to have knobbies on them. Oops.
p.s.s. Even if the shoes had matched, they’re worthless. There is paper stuffed in the toe boxes of all of them, turning size 10 1/2s into size 6s. I wonder how they’d taste dipped in butter sauce …