The first thing you must realize is that I’ve never had formal accordion lessons.

Sure, there were those unsolicited pointers from a gentleman who called himself El Señor Gallo on an ill-advised trip to Juarez in my younger years, but that was just a few simple harmonic progressions and a promise that he could get me to Carnegie Hall.

As it turns out, Carnegie Hall was an iffy establishment at the end of turista row in Juarez. I was young and stupid, but not THAT stupid. The lessons didn’t stick. My only accordi0n encounters over the years were occasional readings of “Squeeze Box” by The Who (the Who?) and the odd run-in with Mr. Ponty Bone.

Fast-forward 30 years. Or you can slow-forward and I’ll wait for you.

Hey. That took a while.

I went out today for the first run in the New Balance 1210. It’s pretty much the opposite of everything I’ve been running in the last 20 years or so. It’s pretty heavy and has a 10mm drop that makes my calves look  just smashing. The theory behind them is blah blah blah something. I don’t know. Basically trail shoe with more padding or something. I’ve been thinking about more padding lately. Maybe a subliminal sign to go ahead with my career switch to convenience store Santa Claus.

Three miles through the neighborhood. No dogs (although the Poodle From Hell came at me as I left the apartment.) I guess they feel OK. It’s like the beer commercial where drinking Bud Lite will assure you the hot chick. It does not. Believe me. I’m still slow. My knee still hurts and I’m getting the New Balance hot spot on the bottom of my right foot. But the run went fine and I think I’ll like them once we bond. They’re roomy but not sloshy. I like. And, oh, those calves.

The verdict: I was running 7-minute miles in the Juarez days. Now I’m locked in to 12 and change. I can only assume that the longer you go without accordion lessons, the slower you get.

I wonder if New Balance makes a Trail Accordion …