Marathon season is around the corner, the government has ground to a halt, and the swallows are out flying in plaid skirts. That can mean only one thing: It’s time for Mr. Pants’ Injury-Running Shoe Correlation Q&A And Fashion Eggstravagana.
Q. Hey, Daddy-O. I gots this problem. It’s my IT band. Right leg. Hurts like crazy. What to do? What to do?
A. Don’t call me Daddy-O. When you start to experience leg pain, it probably means you need to switch shoes. You’re running in the NB 110s? Obviously, you should switch back to the Piranhas. Cured. Glad I could help.
Q. Hi. You probably don’t remember me, but I called earlier to ask about some ITB pain. You said to switch shoes. Now I’m running in the Piranhas, and in addition to the ITBS, I’ve developed the Dreaded Runner’s Knee in the other leg. What the?
A. Obviously, it must be the shoes. You’re running in the Piranhas? Try the NB 110s. THAT should do it. Glad I could help.
Q. Dear diary: I keep changing shoes. Every time I switch, I develop a new injury without curing the other ones. I now have ITBS in one leg, Runner’s Knee in the other AND a shin splint in a third leg I didn’t even realize I had. Please help.
A. This obviously is shoe-related. Try the clown shoes. Glad I could help.
Q. Dear Mr. Pants: What is your address? Clown shoes just made it worse. I’m going to come hurt you in a way that would make Tanya Harding blush. And that says much.
A. This crabby attitude likely is shoe-related. You should switch back to the Piranhas. Glad I could help.
Q. Hello. I am the attorney of your previous caller. After taking your advice, he is crippled, his head hurts, he lacks basic social skills and he is totally unable to limbo. And today, my good man, is Limbo Friday. My client is going to sue the Mr. Pants off of you. This is the worst case of malpractice I’ve ever had the misfortune of being associated with.
A. You say you’re having malpractice problems? Likely your shoes are to blame. What are those? Tassels? I’d definitely try going to court in penny loafers. Glad I could help.
Do you have a question about running, footwear or tort reform? Sorry. Mr. Pants has been advised to lay low for a while. Glad I could help.