Mr. Pants’ Guide to Using an iPhone While Running

1. Pull off  to the side of the trail and come to a complete stop. (kids: Never text and run.)

2. Turn on phone.

3. Notice screen is unusually dark. Annoyingly dark. Unusably dark.

4. Turn off and on again, the Mr. Pants Sure Cure for Fixing Anything. Except, apparently, this.

5. Remember Mo “adjusted your settings” in an attempt to “conserve your battery.”

6. Go to settings. Giggle at the term “personal hotspot.”

7. Eventually find the brightness setting. Wonder how you’re supposed to adjust when you can’t see.

8. Grope around till you find the brightness level. Crank it all the way up to 11. Yes, Androids only go up to 10. iPhones go to 11. Why not just make the maximum brightness a 10? Because ours goes up to 11.

9. Go back to the main screen. Curse upon finding out it’s still dark. (kids, don’t text and curse!)

10. Turn off and on again. Because, well, never mind.

11. Bounce phone off of trail. God bless Otter Boxes.

12. Scratch head in total befuddlement.

13. While scratching head, notice you’re wearing super-dark sunglasses.

14. Take off super-dark sunglasses.

15. Happily read iPhone, which is now mysteriously brighter.

16. Make note to self, “Self: Don’t Be Stupid.” Which will never work, because when you need it, the screen again will be too dark to read …

About gary

no sock monkeys were harmed in the making of this blog.
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