What to do when your Virtual Running Buddy shows up in town for a week? Other than, of course, hiding the whiskey? You form the 10 O’Clock Running Society. Whose rules are:
1. Runs must never begin at 10 a.m. Who the hell gets up at 10 a.m.?
2. Each run must begin with soulful rendition of “Oklahoma” by younger member of society.
3. Fast runners must run at their own pace and not hang back to spend quality time with slow runners who will probably die soon and never see fast runners again.
4. Whenever faster runner passes, slower runner must bow and/or curtsy, depending on current state of hamstrings.
5. Running attire must not be washed for duration of the society, or probably, ever.
6. One 12/13/14 run, consisting of 12 miles, 13 Ironbeers, 14 Oreos, a hello kitty balloon and an armadillo with a lovely pink medal.
7. No mallets.
8. Los Tempos de Lucha Libre. Runners must carry lucha libre wrestler on tempo run. Each time runners pass, they must engage in mortal combat. But no mallets.
9. Rain is your friend.
10. No skipping runs because of ice pick in chest, you sissy.
11. Use of Mio as a festive decoration-creation device is highly encouraged, though possibly dangerous.
12. In the event of rule no. 11, rule no. 7 is rescinded.
13. Chocolate GU shall not be placed in a way that causes unspuspecting runner to sit in it, leaving large brown stain on bottom of shorts, unless runner is from North Carolina.
14. One (1) run with gerbil in sports bra. Which participant actually does this TBA.
15. A Trail Monkey must accompany each runner at all times to serve as course marshall and guard against high jinks.
16. High jinks highly encouraged. But beware Trail Monkey course marshalls. (People need to use the word “high jinks” more.)
17. In the highly unlikely event Runner the Younger ever forgets her trail monkey, she must perform The Great Science Experiment of 2014.
18. OK, I was lying about No. 9.
19. Runners must end week thinking, “That was fun. Let’s do it again sometime.”
20. As always, when in doubt, Calvinball Rules are in effect.