Do you remember that moment in “The Shining” where Jack Nicholson says “You can’t handle the truth!!!” and your feelings toward Cuba changed forever? That can mean only one thing: It’s time for Mr. Pants’ Q&A on the sociopolitical ramifications of the U.S. normalizing relations with Cuba and its effects on distance running (now with lanonin.)
Q. Hey, Daddy-O. I’ve been reading a lot about Cuba and the U.S. and how the peeps no longer will have to float over in old Volkswagens. Which I suppose is fine, but I’m a runner. What do I need to know?
A. Don’t Call me Daddy-O. Funny you should mention that. Not funny, as in laugh out loud funny (someone really should make up an acronym for that), but funny like Ben Stiller movies, which is to say not funny at all.
Q. Um, was there a point there?
A. Cuba Gooding Jr. participated in “Zoolander.”
Q. Ah, yes. But still. Back to normalization. Why will that affect my running?
A. Two words: Ironbeer.
Q. Isn’t that one word?
A. Two words: Bite me.
Q. What’s Ironbeer, anyhow?
A. Remember when Coca-Cola first came on the market? Remember how it got its name? It carried a healthy smattering of cocaine before those meddling kids from Scooby Doo came along. A potent painkiller, combined with sugar and caffeine? It must have been a runner’s dream. Unless the runner’s dream includes Ben Stiller, in which case the runner should just stay awake.
Q. Um, OK. But what does that have to do with Cuba?
A. Cuba produces a magic elixer called Ironbeer. You can currently find it in a few questionable bodegas, but it isn’t on the open market. Obviously, Cuba has no FDA or FFA or FAA to contend with, so the exact ingredients of the cola aren’t known. But wink wink nudge nudge all you need do is try one.
Q. Are you serious?
A. Mr. Pants has done extensive field testing. And it’s a lot of work drinking a cola in an extensive field, so yes, there’s definitely something there. Maybe it’s just the cola laced with orange soda. Maybe it’s more. Maybe crop circles are formed by little troupes of pygmy goats. All Mr. Pants knows is that his running improves dramatically when preceded by 12 glorious ounces of fizzy frenzy.
Q. So what exactly is in it?
A. Caffeine, a ridiculous amount of sugar, a splash of orange and what may or may not be a dash of cocaine. Also an occasional cigar butt for flavor.
Q. I want! I want! Will Ironbeer become available once the normalization of relations with Cuba is finalized?
A. Whatever. Mr. Pants is enjoying an Ironbeer while floating pleasantly around the room now. Making Cuba more tolerable since 1917. God bless communism.
Q. I want! I want! Where can I get?
A. Mr. Pants is turning on Dark Side of the Moon. Run, rabbit run.
Q. Seriously? Pygmy goats?
A. The lunatic is in the grass …
Do you have a question about Ironbeer, Cuba Gooding Jr. or why music and passion were always in fashion at the Copa Cabana? Mr. Pants is here for you.