summer is upon us. shiner is offering its seasonal prickly pear, the bluebonnets are but a fond memory (DAMMIT i missed the bluebonnets), and it’s almost time for hallmark to begin its countdown to christmas. that can mean only one thing: mr. pants’ guide to the Summer of Fleshman.

Q. hey, daddy-0. thanks for taking my call. so, ummm, what IS this summer of fleshman thing about, anyhow?
A. don’t call me daddy-o. a bit of background. mr. pants many years ago underwent a monkey heart transplant. in retrospect, a monkey heart might not have been the best choice for running, although neither was death, the other alternative. apparently the monkey was not that happy about giving his up, and mr. pants has been dealing with serious monkey mojojojo issues since.

Q. yeah? and?
A. the summer of fleshman is meant to provide the definitive answer to mr. pants’ question over the years: is getting faster still possible? or is his current speed his max without the aid of a red bull enema? he has tried the experiment before but always lost interest by day 3.

Q. yeah? and?
A. this summer, mr. pants will run a 5k this saturday, followed by another at the end of august, as well as a few throughout the summer, since that will allow some new t-shirts and do away with the need for Summer Laundry.

Q. ah. so theoretically, you would end up faster in the final race.
A. theoretically.

Q. ummm, how old are you? is it possible you’re just slowing down because you’re old? or possibly dead?
A. possibly. mr. pants turns 60 in july. if the 25-year-old mr. pants could tell the 60-year-old mr. pants anything, it likely would be, “whatever, dude. just keep running. it’s not like bob dylan is doing cover albums of frank sinatra songs.”

Q. prediction?
A. none. other than mr. pants is not much of a runner. and bob dylan is not much of a crooner.

Q. hmmm. whatever. what happens after the SOF ends?
A. magic 8 ball hazy. maybe 5ks forever. maybe 12 hours at the jackalope. maybe competitive cha-cha. or possibly that death thing.

Q. well, good lucky, daddy-0. with friends like you, who needs enemas?
A. thanks. don’t call me daddy-0.