i’m putting on my pants. i have done this many times, so i don’t give it much thought.

until.

as i secure my belt, i feel something in my left pants leg. it’s big. it’s creepy. 

AND IT’S MOVING AROUND.

i’m not one to frighten easily. i can watch The Golden Girls just before bedtime with no repercussions. i survived the dick cheney years. i keep one eye open during Thriller. but creatures in my pants? no way. i lose it.

by lose it, i mean i start dancing around and screaming like a little girl *.  and not in a good way.

i grab the creature with my left hand. it’s behind the knee, about halfway up the pants leg. with my right hand, i try to undo my belt, which proves to be impossible. i tug and pull and curse being a lefty. but i’m unwilling to let go of the thing that has decided to take up residency in my wardrobe. dance, scream, juggle. i ponder the odds that someone is secretly recording this, leading to me becoming the next unwitting star of youtube.

dance, scream, juggle. i can feel it move around. mouse? isn’t the cat supposed to take care of these things? i should have been more generous with the kitty treats. underpants gnome? aren’t those just a myth? rattlesnake? is that a wolverine in your pants or are you just happy  to see me? whatever it is, it’s big, it’s still there, and it’s moving around. 

finally i manage to loosen the belt, undo my jeans and hurl them across the room. i warily walk up, shake the pants, and there it is.

mo’s work i.d. badge.

why?  why does this badge hate me so? why did it sneak into my pants? what was it planning if i hadn’t foiled its plot?

and now it’s sitting there on the nightstand. waiting for me. waiting.

i’m wearing shorts for the rest of my life.

* as always, i apologize to little girls, who no doubt would have reacted in a more dignified manner.