can you get arrested for wearing a shirt with an elf saying “bite me”? i was about to find out.
i was rummaging through the shirt box looking for a victim when i saw it. the christmas shirt. it was from a race a couple years back. demonic looking elf. i had vowed last year to wear it every day from thanksgiving to chirstmas or something like that. not sure. too much eggnog. not really. i hate eggnog. maybe rum GU. nah, i hate rum. maybe a 1554 and the lost gonzo band. anyhow, mo objected because of the clause that didn’t allow washing of said shirt for the duration. end result: a christmas fist fight, resulting in the elf offering his colorful commentary in sharpee. i never wore it again. end of story.
i wanted to wear it because it’s white and tech material, but i wondered if it’s legal to say “bite me” on the sidewalk along the G-rated beach. chamber of commerce, you know. but i figured what are the odds of getting caught. off season, too hot for people to be out, whatever. an adventure.
it was an ok run. today was day 1 of the Selena 10k Mi Tío Boni Marathon Diez y Deis Dime Box Siesta Fiesta Extravaganza (Now With Lanolin) ©, so i was sort of excited in that i’m not really excited at all kind of way. miles is miles. but as i came up on the turn, i saw him: a bicycle cop.
he rode by slowly in the opposite direction, looking at the shirt. which i figured was a normal curious reaction. and then he turned around. i plotted my alternatives. swim for it. political immunity. sprint. t-mobile. but then i realized it had to be a coincidence. he rode by slowly. then he stopped.
i ran by him nervously. he was pretending to talk on his cell phone, clearly calling in SWAT. no, you moron. he’s just talking on the phone. ditch the 16-year-old hippie paranoia. just run. all is well.
then he came by AGAIN. got just in front of me. and stopped again. pulled out phone again.
i was a goner for sure. confess? turn myself in? self-tasing? i weighed my options and did what i had to do. i took off the shirt and stuffed it in the front of my shorts. answering krg’s question from a couple days ago.
he never came by again, certain proof i thwarted his arrest plot. the rest of the run was the usual uneventful heat stroke. still a 10k. good step toward dime box.
was he really after me? the naysayer would say it was all a coincidence. actually, the naysayer would just say nay. to which i would say: bite me. bidi bidi bom bom.