‘Tis the season. Mr. Pants once worked at a newspaper* where the news editor would buy pizza for all the copy editors if nobody used ’tis the season in a headline through the holidays. The problem being, by the time you make it through Thanksgiving and Christmas food fests, nobody is particularly interested in food anyhow. With that thought in mind, it’s time for Mr. Pants’ Guide to Thanksgiving.
Q. Thanks for taking my call, Daddy-O. There’s this thing that’s been bugging me for a couple of days now. Shalane Flanagan won the Five Burros Marathon last weekend, and people are making a big deal out of how she’s the first American woman to win in 40 years. But aren’t they overlooking the obvious? SHE WASN’T BORN IN AMERICA!!! SHE ISN’T A REAL AMERICAN!!!! She was born in a place called “Colorado” and then moved to “Massachusetts.” Only MUCH later in life did she move to the United States, settling in Oregon. Shouldn’t the top American honors go to the second-place finisher, homegrown Mary Keitany, from Kaberney, Kenya? Yes, I realize many people don’t recognize Kenya as being a U.S. territory, but after the whole Puerto Rico/Virgin Islands hurricane thing, I think we should move past that. And besides, “Shalane”? What sort of crazy foreigner name is that? Give me a good American name like Mary any day. USA USA USA!!! Thanks. I’ll hang up and take my answer off the air.
A. Don’t call me Daddy-O. Mr. Pants doesn’t really care about this. Mr. Pants just cares about that video of the dog high-fiving runners during the marathon. Who the hell cares who won? High-fived by a dog. EVERYONE’S a winner!
Q. Hello, Mr. Knickers. I have been enduring ice baths after long runs since I can recall. And now The New York Times reports that ice baths are detrimental, and in fact you should jump into the hot tub afterward instead. I was skeptical at first, but the research was done by the Karolinska Institute in Sweden. How can you doubt the Swedes? Remember that movie “Cool Running” where the Swedes put together a bobsled team and against all odds made it to the Olympics? Can you confirm that a hot bath afterward is indeed the preferred treatment? Or is this more of that “Fake News” stuff by the liberal press to stifle the sales of Republican companies selling ice?
A. Did you not SEE that video? He’s a dog! He’s on the side of the road! He’s HIGH-FIVING RUNNERS!!!
Q. I have an upcoming Turkey Trot. Is it OK to run, or will I be disqualified if I don’t solely trot? And what’s the deal with prancercising? Why didn’t that catch on? Still waiting for my first Prancercise 5K. No, my name is not Molly.
A. Don’t you get it? All these people are high-fiving you on the race course, and then suddenly here’s a dog sticking its paw out. ’Tis a time to paws and give thanks. Damn. No pizza for Mr. Pants.
Do you have a question about running, the Apple offshore account that allowed them to avoid billions in taxes or how to play the entire Innagadadavida drum solo using only an empty Quaker Oats container? Maybe just watch the dog high-fiving runners video instead.
* Newspapers were these things we had back in the old days that would print objective, neutral information on the events of the day that people would read so that they could form their own opinions from a basis of solid facts and avoid electing crazy people for president. You probably had to be there.