dear kate:

In my defense, they should never leave Sharpies just lying around in places that sell caffeine. Irresponsible.

We were in Macy’s yesterday when Mo said “I need a pen.” Which means basically, “I’m breathing, so I need to draw.” I looked around the coffee shop and found a Sharpie up front. Mo proceeded to draw on the weekly newspaper, her paper coffee cup, the little cardboard things that go around the cup, and anything else that moved. Needless to say, I sat perfectly still. And that was that.

But then I noticed they had replaced the poster we stole a couple of weeks ago from out front. Given that no mention of your wedding was anywhere to be found on the bulletin board, I added it. We laughed and went on our way.

Unfortunately, our way appeared to be going to various posters around town. And for some reason, the Sharpie came along with us. We were discreet as to not be arrested for vandalism, and it seemed sort of funny at the time. But then we laugh whenever see see my poodle keychain, so we set a pretty low bar.

And then we went home. Well, OK, first we went to a bar. But it was a pretty low one.

While driving home, I started to think, since there’s nothing much else to do on the I-17 drive from Flag to PHX. “Kate and Ivan.” “Wedding.” “Oregon.” “June 30.”

When I got home, I googled it. Sure enough, you’re the first thing that pops up. This means two things:

1. You’re totally going to get busted for this.
2. Hmmm. I guess there isn’t really a No. 2. I just love a good list.

Anyhow, sorry about your impending arrest. It seemed like a good plan at the time, and I promise to visit you in jail, unless the Fat Gray Cat Larkspurs are playing in town at the same time.

In conclusion:

1. Carry some bail money tucked into your wedding dress. And please don’t bring my name up. Thanks.
2. Maybe never go to the Monte Vista lounge again. They’re looking for you.
3. Avoid yodelers. Not because of the disparaging remark on the sign. I just find it’s a good motto in life.

see you tomorrow,
unk g