Oatmeal is truly the Aránzazu Isabel María “Arantxa” Sánchez Vicario of breakfast foods. Not flashy, consistent, an everyday go-to sure thing. OK, mostly I just enjoy saying Arantxa Sánchez Vicario. So how do you spice things up? No problema. Make Mr. Pants’ Oatmeal Fiesta ©. It’s easy, yummy (if you’ve been drinking enough) and all the ingredients can be found around the house or at Margaret T. Hance Park in downtown Phoenix. Ask for El Guapo.

Let’s begin!

1. Make oatmeal. One half cup oatmeal and one cup water. Pro tip: After washing the bowl, rinse it to get rid of the soap. Who knew?

2. Add cinnamon, girl! You can do it by taste, but I usually keep shaking for as long as the Neil Young solo. Possibly the best one-note solo in rock history.

3. Add clumps of brown sugar. Imagine you’re in a traffic stop. “No, officer, really. It’s just brown sugar!” Sing Stones song while mentally adding Neil Young Cinnamon Girl solo.

4. Add the secret ingredient, while shouting “OLÉ!!!!” Don’t shout loudly enough to wake up Mo, since this stuff is fabulously expensive and she might not find the humor in the recipe. Mo’s sort of cranky before her seventh cup of coffee.

5. Add milk. This isn’t really essential, but it’s sort of funny.

6. Enjoy a delicious breakfast. Part nutrition, part rejuvenator, part Neil Young concert. What more could you ask of a fiesta?

7. Offer leftovers to the cat.

8. Endure Look of Scorn for duration of morning from the cat, who keeps a safe distance away.

We hope you have enjoyed this edition of Mr. Pants’ Guide to Fancy Cooking ©. Please tune in again for out lesson in How to Use Sour Cream to Cover Up Stealing the Olay Rejuvenating Cream. See you then!

Special thanks to Arantxa Sánchez Vicario and to Mo for sleeping in.