The Great Autophagy Experiment of 2019, Day 1

I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
everything’s fine!
— the prophet tracy bonham

I haven’t had any caffeine in 24 hours. I’m very hungry. They have turned the beloved track into a soccer field. Everything’s not fine.

Today is the first day of the highly anticipated five-day fast, a science experiment in the ability to hallucinate doughnuts. Only when you stop eating food do you notice that TV is basically an endless series of two kinds of commercials: Decadent food, and weight loss programs. So mostly I’m reading a book about a guy who lives happily ever after as the result of him provoking his brother to bash his wife’s  head in with a lamp. Nobody said science was easy.

The rules of the game are simple: Nothing but water for five days. Passing out discouraged but not against the rules. No squirrels.

The hardest thing about not eating is how the normal day is framed by the rituals. Morning coffee, cereal, Subway for lunch, afternoon soda, a banana, all the little things through the day that act as mileposts to the routine. Without them, I’m floating aimlessly in a sea of water. I should have bought a life jacket.

I go to the beloved track in hopes that they forgot they were shutting it down. They have not. There’s a very official sign at the gate and the spots where we would jump the gate, warning in the words of Winnie the Pooh that “Trespassers W.”

It’s such a beautiful place; we have so many wonderful memories on that track. It’s a shame we’re not allowed to use it anymore. I consider running onto the field to steal the soccer ball in a form of social protest, but I’m too weak at this point to hop the fence.

I’m not sure it’s possible to run in this state, but this state is Arizona where we’re breaking record temperatures lately, so it’s not possible to run anyhow. Well, I could if I had a proper hat, but …

Will I actually last five days without cracking? I don’t know. We have 10 Heath ice cream bars in the freezers and Mo doesn’t get home for three hours. But science, dammit! So maybe.

It’s funny. The one thing the barrage of weight loss commercials don’t say is that you could do it the old-fashioned way: Don’t eat. But I suppose that’s not good for business. Also, it’s hard. Maybe don’t start a prolonged fast when there’s leftover pizza in the fridge.

I feel sort of light-headed and lethargic, but it’s not too bad so far. A bit of a dull headache, likely the result of caffeine withdrawals and too many Hallmark movies. Tomorrow should be the worst day, and then over the last three I will be filled with lightness and clarity. Or possibly Heath bars. This could be my next step on the path to spirituality. Of course, the last step was running behind a Hindu wagon, so the path is a bit confusing.

170 pounds this morning. I’m losing my mind. Everything’s fine. Science.

About gary

no sock monkeys were harmed in the making of this blog.
This entry was posted in margarine and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to The Great Autophagy Experiment of 2019, Day 1

  1. Moose says:

    Goodness! How can you do that, Gary?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s