mister pants, part 16

I’d try to be as progressive
as I could possibly be
as long as I don’t
have to try too much.
Beginning of a great adventure
— the prophet lou reed

Then, at last, the governor issued a stay-at-home order. Actually, it was more of a stay-at-home-except-when-you-go-places order, which struck Mister Pants as what people did anyhow.

Citizens were allowed to go only to “essential” services. Those essential services included health care operations, human services operations, construction companies and utility operators, first responders, grocery stores and pharmacies, veterinarians, charities and social services organizations, media organizations (well, sure), gas stations, banks and credit unions, hardware and supply stores, plumbers, electricians, security companies, shipping and mail services, educational institutions, laundry services, restaurants for takeout, suppliers for essential businesses, distributors that enable telework, airlines, taxis and ride-sharing services, residential facilities and shelters, legal, real estate and accounting services, day care centers, manufacturers and distributors of critical products, hotels, and funeral services. Oh, and of course, golf courses. Not to mention gun stores, which were protected by federal mandate. Life, and death, is all about priorities.

Other than that, people were not allowed to go anywhere. Mister Pants wasn’t sure what was left at that point. Our state would become as progressive as we could possibly be. As long as we didn’t have to try too much.

And so, reassured that this bold plan would quickly stifle the vermin, he went about becoming a Serious Runner.

This meant, of course, setting up the timing device on the Bird Mile. Yes, Mister Pants had a Garmin, but GPS is no match for a Serious Runner Fancy Timing Device. Luckily no cars were allowed out anymore other than to go to the 2,300,855 previously mentioned destinations, so setting up his apparatus in the middle of the deserted asphalt was no problem.

He said goodbye to Uncle Hal, who was justifiably upset as he had Mister Pants’ credit card number and had expected to live off of him throughout the ongoing crisis. He looked forward to seeing Ernie, who now reported he was in Goodyear, which was apparently a place and not a tire company.

Mister Pants ran 4 miles at 14:00 pace. 14 would become his new mantra. His old mantra was “Take the Skinheads Bowling,” so this would be quite the change. But quite the change was pretty much a sign of the New World, so onward thru the fog. Except it was sunny. It’s always something.

It was easy, as 14 minute miles tend to be. And hard, as running into an uncertain future had become. Would he live long enough for The Big Race? Hard to say. Things were getting exponentially scarier along with the steadily climbing numbers. But better to go out with a bang. Sorry, Mr. Elliot.

Fifty years ago today, Uncle David wrote home from the Vietnam War that he had tried mixing rum in with his spaghetti. Mister Pants thought this would be a good time to bring back the recipe. All about the carbs, you know. Bill Rodgers surely did this.

Mister Pants stopped at the convenience store on the way home for a fritter. Because it was essential. And progressive. Four months to go. Beginning of a great adventure.

He went back to check the list to make sure skinhead bowling was still allowed …

About gary

no sock monkeys were harmed in the making of this blog.
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9 Responses to mister pants, part 16

  1. tosuperstar says:

    The good news in Nebraska is not only can you do curbside pick up, which our holes have for for years may I add, you can now get liquor and beer to go from restaurants which I guess means as we drive around to all the essential businesses we can do so as we now drink and drive.

  2. ocrunnergirl says:

    OMG!!! I need to know what the new adventure is?? Will we be released from quarantini by then??

  3. drpangloss says:

    Not often that camper van beethoven and t.s. elliot are included in the same blog. Well done sir..

    • gary says:

      expecting lawsuit from lowery any second. dude is crabby.

      • drpangloss says:

        Ha! lt’s cvb day at my office all day at the office, which is of course my house. Good news is that I don’t have any co-workers complaining. Where the hell is Bill?

      • gary says:

        Bill is self-isolated. It’s one of my life’s greatest disappointments that Lowery refuses to allow “Key Lime Pie” and “Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart” to go up on Spotify as he continues his Don Quixote fight against the corporate windmills. I hope he relents someday before I die, or maybe I’ll be forced to buy them again on itunes. Oh, well. We’ll always have ZZ Top Goes to Egypt …

  4. drpangloss says:

    I know, I have to actually play my CDs – life is hard….

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