it’s not good trying to immortalize yourself

Beginning of a great adventure
— the prophet Lewis Allan Reed

So it’s the height of a deadly pandemic in which you’re strongly urged not to travel at all, but you get the offer of an all-expenses paid vacation. What to do?

I had planned on lying low until the Hallmark Christmas movies ran out, which is to say never. I go out once a day to stroll, and even then Mo has coerced me into wearing a mask. That’s about it. I have steadfastly declined to meet with Giuliani or go barhopping in downtown Scottsdale until there’s a vaccine or I finally figure out what exactly a Jägermeister is. It seemed like the perfect plan.


I recently got a call offering a free trip to Obinotuzumab and Bendamustine. A third-party company has agreed to foot the entire bill for the trip. All I need do is show up with my trusty Atreyu running shoes, Lou Reed’s “New York” album, and a solemn vow that I don’t have the virus hiding in my packpack. They’ll take care of the rest.

But, you say. I am old and sickly. Might this not be the best time to make exotic visits?

Possibly. But if you’re going to risk death, why space it out? Lump everything together and get it over with. And the Obinotuzumabis are a friendly people, even if the Bendamustinites can be a bit uppity. Go new places! See new things! Sample the local cuisine! Throw up for days on end! What more could you ask for a vacation? I hope they have Medium Chocolate Frostys.

I’m still waiting for the ticket and travel details to be finalized, but I may take off as soon as this week.

A journey into the unknown. It’s like a Hallmark Christmas movie except there’s no former “Full House” star or an old guy who looks suspiciously like Santa. But Hallmark movies always have happy endings, so there’s that. Here’s hoping.

Hail Fredonia! Beginning of a great adventure.

About gary

no sock monkeys were harmed in the making of this blog.
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