Are you ready hey
are you ready for this?
Are you hanging
on the edge of your seat?
— the prophet john deacon
__

I am a Bad Person.

I see the poster after making the turn on the gumbo loop. Lost bird.

His name is Pretty Boy, which oddly enough is the nickname I had picked out for myself as a youngster until discovering I was homely. His owner is looking for him.

I glance around the park in that “hey, you never know” way. Wouldn’t it be grand to call the number and say, “hello, madam, I believe your bird is perched on my Salomon cap.”

And then.

The sign says the bird enjoys whistling “Another One Bites the Dust.”

Suddenly i realize what has been missing in my life, the empty spot deep in my soul that nothing will fill, not even a Medium Chocolate Frosty. OK, a Frosty would fill it, but that would require driving and talking to a stranger and trying to get the spoon out of the plastic wrapper. Clearly, stealing a bird would be much easier.

Sure, it’s unlikely. but this is bird park. Seems like a fine place for a bird on the run. And I had the first queen album before they became upper case Queen. I sometimes whistle “Keep Yourself Alive” from that album during bad stretches in runs. Clearly, the bird and I are kindred spirits.

Besides, the woman also calls the bird “Birdie.” how creative. Yes, our cat is named Baby Kat. What’s your point? What if this is Freddie Mercury reincarnated? If so, I hope he has forgotten “Bohemian Rhapsody.” He’s just a poor bird from a poor family. Mama mia.

I hope Pretty Boy finds his way home. I hope “home” is our spare bedroom. Yes, I’m ready for this. I’ll be hanging on the edge of my seat. I hope our “Bites the Dust” duet goes viral. I hope his mom doesn’t see it online.

I am a Bad Person.