Who can explain it, who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons, wise men never try
— hammerstein (NOT rodgers)

—

I’m strolling through the neighborhood when I see Aaron Rodgers’ minivan parked in front of his house. It annoys me greatly.

He has a vanity plate that says AROGERS. Why did he spell in wrong? Worse, he doesn’t have a 2023 sticker for the plate. And so I do what any good citizen would do. I go to the store and buy him a sticker.

As I’m applying it to the minivan, he comes walking out in an oversided bathrobe. He wants to know what the hell I’m doing to his van. Like there’s anything you could do to a minivan. I explain I got him a sticker. He is obviously annoyed, or maybe just a crabby man, but he invites me in.

He’s not limping at all. I suspect the whole injury thing was just to keep from playing with the Jets, but I say nothing, other than that a sports reporter I work with once interviewed Danica Patrick and said she wasn’t very attractive up close. But then neither was the sports reporter. He just stares at me.

His kid, who appears to be about 6, is sitting on the ledge in front of the fireplace, crying. Rodgers asks him why. Turns out the kid is in the school production of “Finding Nemo.” He wanted to play Nemo, being the son of Aaron Rodgers and all, but they assigned him the role of “orange fish in background.” He refused.

Rodgers points out it’s a team sport. He should play the role and be thankful. The kid points out that Rodgers left the Packers because they were going to make Jordan Love quarterback. Rodgers says that’s different, because the Packers were not staging a production of “Finding Nemo.” I feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s the bathrobe thing.

I ask him why his plate says AROGERS, and doesn’t he realize Rodgers is spelled with a D in the middle. He says ARODGERS was already taken and the nice DMV lady wouldn’t give it to him anyway because he’s Aaron Rodgers and the rest of us are not. She declined, which is why he had refused to pay for a sticker.

I want to tell him I’m a copy editor and I can’t live on the same block with someone who intentionally misspells his name. I want to ask about whether in hindsight he wishes he had dated Taylor Swift instead of Danica Patrick. Is she attractive up close? And what is up with the minivan?

Mostly, I want to leave. We just sit there, staring at each other, Some enchanted evening indeed.

Then I wake up. The cats are staging a live show of “Finding Nemo” on my belly. They’re quite attractive up close. I go to the kitchen to feed them a can of tuna that likely was Nemo’s friend.

RODGERS, dammit. RODGERS.