Granny, oh Granny, what ya doin’ by the kitchen sink?
She said, “I’m just makin’ up some pimento cheese”

— the prophet vic chesnutt

—

I officially retired today, causing me to worry for the first time that we may starve. I probably should have accounted for food when calculating the budget. Oh, well.

But fear not.

My new hobby is watching golf, which is much easier than playing golf and avoids the need for wearing peach golf shirts. And that’s what led me to the Masters coverage this weekend, and the answer to our menu woes:

Pimento cheese sandwiches. Lots and lots, and lots, of pimento cheese sandwiches.

Longtime readers will recall our tiny clan’s fascination with pimento cheese, a habit acquired in West Texas, along with using “fixing to” in daily conversation and remembering the Alamo. Yes, Mo really said that about the Alamo’s cannon. Citizenship revoked.

With that in mind, we’re fixing to devise a new menu.

The math is pretty simple. We will find a polka band on its way to Georgia (this worked in “Home Alone,” so it must be doable) and hitch a ride. Mo loves her polka music.

Once there, it’s just 140 bucks to get into the Masters for one day.

And then.

And I’m not making this up.

Pimento cheese sandwiches there are sold for $1.50.

ONE DOLLAR AND FIFTY FREAKING CENTS FOR THE DELIGHTFUL GOODNESS OF PIMENTO CHEESE HEAVEN!!!

Figuring I’ll need two a day after Mo leaves me for the oompa guy in the polka band, that’s $730. Combined with the cost of the ticket, the total is $870 for a year’s food. With money left over for a Medium Chocolate Frosty.

The beauty of pimento cheese on white bread is that it lasts forever, if you don’t mind the side effects of expired mayo, and I do not.

If you told 21-year-old Gary that we could get by for entire year of eating for just three bucks a day, he would have pointed out we were already doing that back then with Jack-in-the-Box tacos. 21-year-old Gary was a smart ass. No pimento cheese for him.

Yes, Kate, if there are extras you’re welcome to bring peanut butter to add on for your signature pimento cheese and peanut butter extravaganza. But maybe wait until after the first installment of The Fifi Chronicles.

So that’s the plan. There IS a slight problem only because the Masters just ended, so we’ll have to wait a year. Is Jack-in-the-Box still open all night? Tacos with peanut butter could work.

Retirement is easier than you might think …